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Dias Assim

(publicado pela primeira vez no epinion em 30/05/2004)
littlebox.jpgTem dias que eu me sinto vazia como uma bola. Aliás, vazia como um cubo, porque é um vazio com arestas. Um cubo opaco e denso obnubilando minha clareza. Um cubo pequeno onde eu não caibo, sufoco. Fico ali oprimida como assistente de mágico. Empacotada em meu vazio de chumbo que não deixa escapar um grito. Em meu cofre-forte de silêncio. Apalpando os estreitos limites da minha liberdade, as paredes grossas da minha dor.
Tem dias que eu me condeno à solitária sem direito a banho de sol. Arrasto corrente, me visto de listrado e marco os dias, semanas, com riscos de canivete na parede. Me julgo e me penitencio sem indulto.
Tem dias que a vida ganha muros altos, cores cinza. Limites, limites, limites até onde a vista alcança – e a vista alcança bem pouco. O próprio firmamento é um teto rebaixado, baixo-astral, como se diz por aí.
Tem dias que são foda. Mas eu não nasci ontem, sabe? Já percebi que o encaixotamento produz uma curiosa ilusão de óptica. No espaço exíguo, eu pareço enorme, ocupo a quase totalidade do espaço, só dá eu lá dentro. E tudo que eu penso e sinto reverbera, ecoa, parece gigante. Minhas motivações, minhas vergonhas, meu sofrimento parecem ser tudo o que há – o mundo como um elevador enguiçado, espelhado por dentro, refletindo meu desespero ad infinitum. Eu no cenário por todo canto e no meio da cena, em foco. Exageros da perpectiva, puro teatro de espelhos. Tão autêntico quanto Konga, a mulher gorila.
Estou aprendendo a fechar os olhos, respirar fundo e perceber que há oxigênio bastante para mim e, se o espaço está apertado, tempos melhores virão. No dia da bonança, quando meu campo de ação se abrir, vou lembrar de dançar bastante para celebrar . Até lá vou dançando miudinho e sempre se pode cantar, mesmo no escuro. Com os pés e mãos vou deformando meu cubo, alargando para os lados, abaulando o teto como um baú. Meu baú de maravilhas boiando no mar à deriva, uma arca que resiste aos dilúvios. Onde minha alegria se preserva mesmo durante as tempestades. Um balsa que balança, vira, dá cambalhota mas não afunda.
Tem dias que eu me sinto plena como uma caixa a ser preenchida. Aliás, como uma bola, porque quando estou assim eu rolo. Deito e rolo.
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18 Responses to “Dias Assim”

  1. Clarice says:

    Não é uma maravilha ter uma irmã de emoções assim como você? Eu sinto e penso e você, só você, consegue colocar no papel com essa maestria, com esse jubilo, com essa intensidade. Sem adivinhações. Só certezas. Não importa se é um exercício literário apenas, ou se é um capítulo de sua vida. Está feito!
    Beijo, iluminada!

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